what a crap birthday!
Mood:  don't ask

Well I have my 22nd bday on saturday... was crap I got nothing for it and I didn't even have my boyf with me!

My boyf came down on monday... was going ok and I was really excited that we would be spending so long together... then arguements started and he started telling me that he didnt want me at his house as all I would do was shout at him... which isn't true and the only reason we argued this time was because he was saying he didn't want me! Anyway that arguement went on for a while and it really upset me.. on the thursday morning I asked him for an answer as I needed to know if I had to do my washing or not and he wouldn't give me an answer so I was getting aggrivated and we eneded up in yet another arguement.

This time I said something I didn't mean and told him it was over and shouted at him to go home.

I cooled off for a bit and went to try and get him to stay but he kept saying he wasn't right for me, as how could he be when all he does is upset me? This isn't true as he doesn't always upset me! and yes we have arguements... who doesn't? it's normal isn't it?

The trouble with us is that from the beginning of our relationship we have spent too much time together, he was living in my house basically except the few days he went to his nans' for uni. We didn't have anytime to be ourselves and do what we like doing seperately, I always felt I had to entertain him and keep him occupied so wouldn't have much time to be me. Then things went tits up at uni for me and I got depression and would bottle everything up and when he would say something to me that upset me I would explode at him without really knowing wh. He put walls up and wouldn't let me in and I would feel rejected at this and feel so unwanted. However I know now that moods and my insecurities came from me and not him. I have been to my doc and got myself antidepressants and my very own psych nurse (which is just too annoying as it's what I was doign before I left uni!) but I am finally getting the support I need and want and fingers crossed I can get back to being how I was.

So anyway when he got home I asked him if it was really what he wanted and he said he thought it was for the best... but then i suggested maybe a "break" would be best then we weren't saying completely off just having time to sort ourselves out as he was unhappy with having no job and no money and living at home so his task as it were is to find a job and get money and start being the guy he wants to be, My task was to get the help I needed with my mood so I can stop snapping at people and be a happy Bee!

It's my vain attempt to prove to him how much he means to me, I totally didn't know how much he meant to me till he went and I was left broken in two with no-one to help me. Made me realise I am not as strong as I think I am and that I do need a helping hand, which I have now arranged and I think it will be sorted in the long term, I get my own therapist to talk to in the long run and so if anything bothers me I can let rip to her and she can teach me ways to cope with it. I am hoping it will also give me confidence in myself. Loads of people think I am so confident as on my myspace account I have a few pics of me... To be honest it's all an act so no-one will know my true colours and see how desperately unhappy I am with myself. Anyway with a bit of luck in my direction I can prove to him I am not the moody girl he has known for the last 14 months but I am a happy and kind hearted person I used to be and I can cope with things on my own without using him as a crutch all the time which is what he turned into.

I wanted to be the perfect couple with him and I could see us being together for ever but we argued a lot and he says it's not good, however it is as it's healthy to argue to clear the air! I can understand where he is coming from though but it doesn't change how I feel about him! Have your fingers crossed for me so I can get my lovely man back with me! Also fingers crossed he gets a job and gets settled somewhere so he can be a happy man and live happily ever after with me! lol

I am so sad I know, Takes all this shit to make me have councelling but my boyf saying he doesnt want to be with me to actually get the help I need! Was a long time coming and I am kinda glad it did but I wish he was still able to tell me he loves me (we promised we would talk and be mates through everything! All I ever want to do is tell him how much I love him and want him back!)

Anyway I am going to stop this now as I am getting all down again and I don't want to cry anymore, 24 hours of it hurt my eyes!

Bee xxx

Men.. why do they have to be such twats?
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: radio

Why the hell do men have to be complete knobs?! I have been with my boyf for about 1yr and 2 months, during the 1st year things were good-ish, he was basically living with me in my uni house, but since I decided to drop out I have been at home as has he. Before now we haven't been apart for more than a week... but even that was cut short! It has now been a month and I miss him like hell and look forward to talking to him, he doesn't though! He says he hates the phone... fair enough I ring him to say good night so I can hear his voice and talk to him online instead... but even then he never actually talks to me. He is always doing something else and doesn't bother to talk to me.

I always feel second third or even forth best to everything else in his life! I am fed up with feeling like this, why can't I come first to him for once?! He promised me last night that he would talk to me when he wasn't tired and wasn't in a mood and he promised me it would be on the phone... guess what.. I get a txt saying I will talk to you tomorrow I don't want to talk tonight I hate the phone.. he wont even come online to chat! So once again I am second best to something.. probably his sister or the T.V again!

Grrrrrr I am really pissed off and I am really upset, not upset because of him but because I need to talk to someone and no-one is about! I don't know what to do so I will leave.

 

Bee xxx

Driving and boyfriends
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Watching the simpsons
Topic: random

Driving- This is going really well and I am really enjoying it! I've been told I have improved so much in the last few lessons and that I should be really proud so yay! With any luck I wont have to do many more lessons as it is costing me a fortune!

Boyfriends- Why can't I get a simple compliment every now and then? I always make him feel ok abotu himself but I have to literally ask for him to say something nice about me! Why oh why do men have to be this way? I love him to bits and I know he loves me, I just wish he was a bit more pro-active in our relationship and made me feel more valued.

That's all I'm saying for now as I am tired!

Bee xxx

Family
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: radio 1

I went tomy sisters today to spend time with my 2 nephews, my brother was there too with his daughter so was really nice to spend time with the kids for so long. I havent spent that long with them in ages as normally I am only back for a few days or weeks then off back to uni but as I am here to stay I can spend as much time as I want with them and know that it wouldn't be the last time I see them for a few months which is ace!!

I have decided I am going to go to my doc and see if she can do anything about me loosing weight lol I have lost a few stone at uni and want to loose more but can't seem to do it even though I am doing everything right! My sister went to hers and has been prescribed going to the gym at a reduced rate and also some tablets to supress her appitiete and I want them!!!! So fingers crossed they will let me have them and by this time next year I can be a skinny bitch! If only!

Not got much else to report.. had a quiet day! I'm off driving 2moro so will prob talk about loads of stuff!!!

 

Bee xxx

Hello!
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: radio
Topic: random

Hey whoever has found this!

I thought I would start a new blog far far away from the myspace one I have so that I can really let rip about things without having to worry about who might be reading it!

I will be treating this as a diary type of thing so it wont be interesting to anyone except me.. and those of you who are really nosey lol.

Main reason that I am doing this as I said is because I don't want people on myspace to be reading this.. well 1 person who is a "friend" of my boyfriend's who has told him she reads my blogs... this makes me feel really uncomfortable as I swear she fancies him so anything bad I write about him she is probably going back to him telling him how crap I am!... But of course that may be my slightly paranoid imagination running away with me!

Anyway should I tell you about me? I will tell you a bit about me but I don't want anyone who googles me to be able to find this!

I am 21.. a few weeks off being 22.. yay!

I am female!

I am currently doing bugger all.. I dropped out of uni a few weeks ago due to not being able to deal with the stress anymore! I do have valid reasons for it and I am sure they will come out of me sometime but for now lets just say I did it for me! So as I dropped out I am now back living with my dad, which isn't too bad, he leaves me on my own to go to his g/f's so it's just like uni! I don't have a job at the moment as I am just concentrating on learning to drive (I know bit long after my 17th bday but I don't care lol) When I have done my test I will then be looking for a job which envolves nothing to do with the NHS and caring for people! Oh yeah I dropped out of studying to be a mental health nurse.. well that stops all blokes I meet asking me if I have a uniform! HURAH A GOOD THING ABOUT DROPPING OUT!

Oh if you haven't guessed I am from the UK BABY!

Errmm that's all I am going to tell you about me for now! As I said i am sure more will come out of me as I tend to type anything and everything and most of the time it makes no sense so fingers crossed you will never know who I am!

For now lovely's Bye Bye

Bee xxxx